I was gonna do a video but I'm lazy sometimes

So, here we are.

I'd like to introduce myself (again)
Hi, my name is tosh
And I am
A Comedian
Super rich
TV show host
Constantly on tour

Alright in all honesty that's who I pretended to be.
The truth is, I'm not actually tosh. I never stood on a stage and spoke from my heart
But I do believe that money can buy happiness

Let me try this again.
Hi, my name is Jake
And I am
A filmmaker
An aspiring writer
A wanderer
A storyteller
In the back row 90% of the time

Some things you may find interesting about me:
I am constantly in charge of Uknighted, so you're welcome
I was almost published my sophomore year (well, sorta)
I was accepted into the University of Gothenburg in Göteborg, Sweden just a few months ago
Don't really care about BYU v Utah
Identify as a hopeful agnostic
Not a rapper

Ive never been one of those kids who had a lot to feel
In fact when I listen to so many people pour their hearts out all I can do is sit in the back and wonder where they got it all from
I hate learning about certain things, because it takes the mystery away from life
I'd rather dream of the stars than see them for myself
I'd rather write a script for a movie for a perfect reveal than go out and shoot it
I'd rather pretend that I've performed in front of my class than actually feel the anxiety of sitting in the 'next' chair
I'm just scared that my teeth aren't white enough

Thanks for giving me a shot

Sinceriously
Jake West

All of it belongs to her

115,200 times a day
42,048,000 times a year
3,363,840,000 times in a lifetime
But there have only been three times my heartbeat has ever felt real to me

1. I was born a little prematurely, 6 weeks, and I had a weak heart when I was born (one of the many reasons I don't play sports, stop asking). It was incredibly important to my family that I kept fighting, and although I don't remember it, I sure as hell am grateful I did.

2. My first time on stage. 3rd grade, the storytelling festival at school, I performed The True Story of the Three Little Piggies in front of everyone.

3. My confessions to her. About 2 months ago.

I poured out my heart and confessed my sins to her, and although they were great in number, the number of times she forgave me outnumbered my faults.

It took me three years of trial and error
28 group dates
One crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Two times being stood up on a date
and one accidental gay date (don't ask)
to figure all of this out
Now, if you give me a pen and a pad I can write everything I need to say, but stand me on a snow-filled mountain next to her at sunset, and my brain stops working. 
I want her to know that that doesn't mean my heart isn't working, it's just working on me.

If I had an entire year and a perfect vocabulary I still could not define the way I feel when I'm with her. They say teenagers can't feel this way, that it's a collection of hormones and puberty, that everything I'm feeling is fake. But I swear that my escalated heartbeat and sweaty palms are real.

There's so much I need to say, but I don't have enough time and space in the world.
I just want her to know that I don't care who her ex is
because I always hated the way he looked in glasses anyways
And I don't care that she hates the way she looks without makeup
because her smiles makes any day light up like Christmas
I just want her to know that those nights we learned the truth about each other means more to me that all the time I've spent in church learning the truth about God. And that's a lot coming from an Agnostic.
I just want her to know that I'd rather stay up listening to her voice than sleep, and she knows how much I like sleeping ;)
That she's the reason I'm questioning whether a move across an entire continent is worth it
That every cent I spend on terrible fast food is worth it if it gives me an excuse just to see her
I just want her to know that my heart is full
And all of it belongs to her

Boyd

I'm going to tell you a story.

Some of you may have visited a building not too far from us, called the Developmental Center. It's a facility for the mentally and physically handicapped to go and live in and receive treatment and help from the State. 

I'm absolutely terrified of that building.

Let me tell you why.

My great-grandfather Arnold had a little brother named Boyd. Boyd was born perfect, his only blemish a simple allergy. Seeing as this was the 40's, however, Boyd's parents did not discover this allergy until much later.

One thing you should know about your body: if you're allergic to something, let's say milk, and you expose yourself to it, like drinking milk a lot, then you're going to have some problems. This was the case with Boyd. 

Due to a lot of exposure to milk growing up, Boyd received a heavy amount of brain damage, rendering him mentally handicapped. 

This seemingly slipped past Arnold. He and Boyd were inseparable, they were described as being "best buddies". Nothing could come between them (except for my great-grandma).

Arnold was married and moved away to pursue his career in Geology. He had a wonderful life ahead of him.

A few years later he came home to visit. He entered his house, only to find that Boyd was not there. After a little digging, he discovered that his parents did not share his view on his little brother. They had grown tired of dealing with his behavior and had taken him to the Utah State Developmental Center in American Fork. Arnold tried the best he could to help his brother, to get him out of the facility, but because he was under state care and still under his parent's custody, there was nothing he could do.

His parents never visited him. He died a few years later. 

I'm terrified of being forgotten. 

If I have one wish in life, it would be that at least one person in the world will remember me. And if I go crazy, someone will come and hold my hand, and look out the window with me.

You'll remember me, won't you?

HOW TO TWERK

HOW TO TWERK
Ever wanted to feel like your favorite messed up disney character?

NOTE: For the confused mormons who see exposed skin, those are called SHOULDERS
For craps sake Lone Peak, your dress code is killing me.

If you want to turn out like everyone's favorite disappointment, 
YOUVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE

So here you go: HOW TO TWERK
Step 1: Squat down
Step 2: Reconsider

What Have We Accomplished?

At the astonishing age of 17 I have managed to dig a hole to china on the side of the house deep enough to nearly rupture the gas line, get arrested once, get forced into changing schools, and rebuild my life from scratch.

But who cares about my story?
It's never really been about me, it's all about you.

At the astonishing senior year of High School what have we managed to accomplish?
Being only old enough to sign ourselves up to die for our country but not old enough to apply for a job at Costco
Strong enough to make junior varsity football but not take state
Smart enough to get a 22 on the ACT but not good enough for the university of our choice

What have we done?

We've managed to take State Championships in various sports, CTE clubs and classes, and Fine Arts 
We've managed to break down the barriers of our mind they told us were called 'classroom walls'
We've managed to find beauty in each others faults
We supported Ethan Harris and Nelson and Reese to make sure the world knew that We See Them

We found each other
We found ourselves
We didn't incase ourselves in bricks and mortar like the rest of the world
We saw the light at the end of the tunnel
And we ran towards it

Middle Child

By the time I became the middle child, I felt like an accident no insurance company could cover. 

THE FRIENDZONE SONG

K so this is a song I wrote with a few friends a month or two ago
Told from a girls perspective
Hope you enjoy it
(The lyrics)


hey, hi, how are you?
im not sure how to tell you this but
i think we need to talk
its only been six weeks since we were 'official'
it's just not working out

Friend Zone
A place for you and me
that's all we'll ever be is
just friends
Friend Zone
I still love you but
more like a brother
we're just friends

well, so, it's like this
there's plenty of fish in the sea
we need to date around
you'll find a nice girl
with your great personality
"I'm just not in a relationship-y place right now"

Friend Zone
A place for you and me
that's all we'll ever be is
just friends
Friend Zone
I still love you but
more like a brother
we're just friends

But then there were those times

we'd stay out late and watch the stars

daydreams of what can be

okay, so, I like you

the way you smile and say my name

don't know what i'd do

if you weren't there for me

So much for the

Friend Zone
A place for you and me
that's all we'll ever be is
just friends
Friend Zone
I still love you but
more like a brother
we're just friends

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA

PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT

My Silent Confessions (don't judge me)

How am I alive?
Seriously, how can you prove it?

There is an entire theory dedicated to the idea that we are all holograms on the largest computer ever, simply living in someone else's reality. So, as you read this, you could very well question that you're Player 1, and that everything you're reading is simply put there for you to read. Your agency would therefore be an illusion, and your thoughts would not belong to you.
So, please prove you're not a robot.

This is what I know.

I have opinions on several things that sets me apart from everyone. My personality is strong enough that I could ask a girl on a date and not break down from being too nervous. And I have been asked on occasion what it's like to be a 6/10 (true story, one time I was compared to a garden gnome by a very rude little girl in Olive Garden).

Here are a few of those opinions.

1. I absolutely hate when people call me rich. Seriously, if you come to my house and call me rich I will backhand you through a granite wall (that's a joke, they're all made out of the same stuff everyone else has)

2. Football is literally the dumbest thing to ever be invented. We made a sport for big empty-headed people so they could stay out of trouble and then we pay said people for it. It's seriously stupid.

3. High School is probably one of the greatest things ever. I mean yeah homework sucks and some teachers are the spawn of Satan himself, but you have to admit that you look forward to hanging out with people in the one place that everyone gathers.

4. I don't want to live in America anymore. I applied to go to college in another country where I will have to pay a LOT more than I would have to here just so I can get away from the politics and social problems that America is having some serious struggles with. 

I hope you don't agree with all of those.
Because if you did, I'd think that you were a robot. 

I don't want to be Kyle Nelson teaching 12th graders things they should've learned at 12 years old. 
I don't want to be Coach Schoonover with my bald head and big tall legs and a shirt I outgrew when I was like 10.
I don't want to be Greg Dean with two kids and a desk job at Adobe.



I don't want to be you.

I just want to be me.



peace out girl scout

Here's a few stupid jokes to brighten your day a bit

If we ever go to jail for taking music off YouTube, I hope they group us based on the genre of music we steal.

In May of last year, an American Airlines flying from Los Angeles to New York City made an unscheduled stop in Kansas City to offload a passenger, who wouldn't stop singing Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".

When I die, I want people I've done group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

I wish they made fertilizer for people who need to grow up.

"Hey girl you dropped something." "What?" "Your standards, hi I'm Tosh."

Have you ever seen someone get hit by a train?

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree, I don't think it's cute, I think it's strange how many couples take knives on a date.

If dinosaurs were so dumb explain to me how they had the foresight to die off before the Kardashians had a TV show?

"When I'm working, I don't have lunch until I'm certain that every person on set has had a chance to eat first."
-Anne Hathaway
on how she avoids being poisoned

I once cried in church because I thought that eternity in heaven would be so boring

How come there's Batman shampoo and no conditioner Gordon?

(Asking a girl on a date)
Me: On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
Girl: Haha I'm North Korea

K HAVE A GOOD DAY DONT BE DEPRESSED BYE

Let's not complain about rich white people

Dear Dear Mormons,
Some people don't like going to church and are just hiding it so they don't get shunned
Don't judge people 
Love
Me

Dear Paris
You smell funny
Love 
Me

Dear Mom
I'm sorry your audition for Motab didn't go super well, but I still believe in you
I didn't listen to you singing the most boring genre of music for four years just to watch you quit
Keep going
Love
Me
P.s. opera music is boring, you should teach us how to rap

Dear Nelson
Sorry I'm in your class again
I just really wanted to give this creativity stuff a shot
If you get sick of my crap just tell me
K thanks bye
Love (within the legal limits between student and teacher)
Me

Dear former Communist Neighbors
I apologize for making you really mad
but you should've known that if you go head-to-head with three teenagers who really hate you, 
you're going to have a bad time
So you shouldn't have been surprised or mad when one of us put a lawn chair in the middle of the road when you told us that we were impeding traffic. 
We said sorry like twice and you just kept being a tool.
Sinceriously
Me

Dear Dad
No, I don't pay my friends
Love 
Me

Dear High School
Don't tell two people they're dating that they look alike
Unless you know they're siblings
No one told Luke and Leia and look how that turned out
#awkward
From
Me

Dear Kid in front of Me
Pleeeeaaaasssseeee never complain about not having friends because I've tried saying hi to you for weeks now and you don't respond
Don't be that guy
From 
Me

Dear PG
Nothing about you is that pleasant
They should rename you mediocre grove
Because all that's holding you up is Purple Turtle
From 
Me

Dear Purple Turtle
Can I have free food for advertising?
From 
Me

Dear LP 
I like how your football team doesn't have entire seasons where they don't win a single game
and how you're so much more fun than junior high
Teachers, lighten up a little though,
then it'll be spot-on
Love
Me


K bye

Listen

The biggest communication problem is we don't listen to understand

We listen to reply

I'm sick of 2015 and it's crap. Go home you're drunk.

My favorite birthday present I've ever gotten was stolen at the Legacy Center locker room in Lehi a few months after I got it.
It was Pokemon Sapphire, where I chose my starter Pokemon as Treecko and I went on an adventure to stop Team Magma.
A few years later I got a toolbox for my birthday.
A few years later a bike.
A few years later a crappy laptop.
A few years later a court order.

I miss when I didn't have to be crazy or stupid to get friends, when all I needed was a grilled cheese sandwich and my best friend. I miss when I could get away with wearing pajamas under my clothes to school because they just felt comfy. I miss when someone would happily call me "sir" without asking me to leave. I miss digging a hole to China with my neighbors before they went crazy.

I bought another Pokemon game this year, and I'm not kidding when I say that I cried when I got a Treecko. I want to go back so bad. I want to be a kid again with nothing but a grilled cheese sandwich and my best friend.

THE BRO CODE

THE BRO CODE

 A simplified version of the code all bros must live by

Player 1 belongs to whoever owns the console.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, then call 911.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a bro under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it’s super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

Bros before hoes does not include birthdays and dates. Your bros are off limits on those days.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the “head nod” when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

SO

There they are!

Feel free to comment on your thoughts and any/all rules i may have missed

maybe I'll edit the post to include them if they're really good

Tosh

what ever happened to those days

There's a picture of me that my mom loves, so much so that she had it framed.

I'm in disneyland, looking at the camera, my siblings are on a ride, and im having the time of my life

Wearing a little red mickey mouse hat with the ears sticking off either side

What ever happened to those days

At 6 years old I was more worried about training Charmander than how smart I was in school

At 7 years old I was more worried about being nice than standing up for myself

At 8 years old I was more worried about making friends than keeping them

At 9 years old I was more worried about my cowlick than my twitter account

At 10 years old I was worried.

I haven't been the same since I was around 10 years old

when i started to have problems with social anxiety

and it didn't help that my older brother was my worst enemy

It's been a rollercoaster for a long time

and i dont know when im getting off

I wish we could turn back time, back to when none of this mattered.

I want to be standing in Disneyland with my mom

waiting for my siblings to get out of the teacups

constantly smiling

wearing a little red mickey mouse hat with the ears sticking off either side

I Wish

(Let's play pretend here for a minute)

*Rubs a lamp, cloud of smoke, and BOOM: A genie!

'I am a magical genie, and I will grant you three wishes.'

I have as much time as I want to decide what I should get.

There are so many things that I want in life, half of which I have to wish for to get

-I wish I was taller. I'm insecure about my height because I'm 5'9 and I want to be 5'10

-I wish my hair wouldn't be on point one day, and then make me look like trailer-trash the next

-I wish psychics weren't bull crap and that they were cheap to go to

-I wish Donald Trump wouldn't attempt to ruin the country

-I wish I could graduate early equipped with all the knowledge and resources to get me through the rest of my life

-I wish people wouldn't assume that I'm going on a mission

-I wish that the conversations with my dad wouldn't just be "good morning" and "good night"

-I wish I knew who wrote 'Dear Mormons'

-I wish that teachers wouldn't look down on us

-I wish that the jocks would grow their hearts back sooner

-I wish I could put the thoughts in my head into english

-I wish I could, just for one day, be alive

I can't tell all of these to the genie, because there's more than 3, and I bet there's a few that he probably couldn't accomplish. 

"Can I wish for more wishes?"

'No you cannot'

"I wish I could." 

Don't read this

This is my fifth take of this intro.

I took this class to find out how to shove thirty words into five. I didn't know that I'd have to tell everyone who I am.
I hope I'm making the right decision.

I'm not very good at introducing myself on paper, but if you really knew who I was you might actually like me. 

A few facts about me:
I love writing, but I can't read super well
I don't like France (sorry nelson)
I once broke my counter trying to get a $20 bill behind the fridge
My dad sells cardboard boxes for a living
If you're dramatic, I have a hard time believing you
I've been looking at colleges since I was in 10th grade

I think about my future more than I care to admit. 

I contacted a college in Europe, and they told me that if I keep my grades up I can attend starting next year. I've been learning web design and photoshop to pay my bills when I get there.
I hope I'm making the right decision.

Someone asked me where I wanted to go on my mission. I shrugged because I couldn't remember the right answer. I grew up going to church, but recently I haven't been sure what was real and what wasn't. I think I'll skip it. Better not preach the words I can't memorize.
I hope I'm making the right decision.


That paints a pretty picture of me that you can stick on your fridge. If you bring me a copy maybe I'll sign it for you. But if I become famous please don't sell it. 

Tosh.